Last Sunday when I SMS him that I couldn't serve, he didn't even reply me. So generally I would more or less feel that in his heart he might not trust me. This year I had not been able to serve for a few times due to CG and other commitments and it's just March only. Perhaps after hearing that I might want to change ministry, he may have this thoughts? Haha.. Maybe I am wrong for doubting my leader for doubting me if I am telling the truth? Haha.. Sounds chim hor?
I don't deny that I myself doubt people too, sometimes it could be even my best friend around me. So why am I having this kind of mentality too? Perhaps, I am pinning my hopes on my leaders. Maybe that's why I will have a higher expectation of them?
Si Hui give me a very good suggestion, but should I apply it? I didn't want to because I don't feel like attending the ministry meeting this Sunday. If I tell them that I want to serve this Sunday instead of next Sunday due to class, they will most probably expect me to turn up for the meeting. Another reason is because my mum has been unhappy about me going out often. (To her, going to church 2 times a week can be consider alot already. I am already jobless and I still have the cheek to go to enjoy myself? Of course she didn't say that right in front of my face, but my parents are unhappy that I do not have a proper job and always go out.) Anyway, I am just a small fly in this ministry. I enjoy serving God in this ministry, and I love to talk to the BVs, checking songs with them, flashing for them to see, etc. However, the main reason is because I feel less and less attach into this ministry. Every Sunday, I will just serve and go home. Machiam like going to work like that, and I rarely get to fellowship with the ministry peeps. It's like a generation gap although our age group is about the same or older. I have no common topics with them either.
The gathering at the beginning of this year I has already get a feel of it. When everyone is happily enjoying themselves, I will try to find people that I can talk to. Find my ex-team at Expo and then I decided to join the current JW team. Haha.. It's like I have no sense of belonging to either teams. When I borrow the lighter from my ministry last Saturday, the people over there looked at me as if I am an alien. Of course I didn't expect all of them to "Hi Wei Ming, nice to see you.. Wooo" But the people there just look at me silently, only my ex leader and one or two team members talk to me.
Anyway, whatever the meeting is, I am just interested to know the outcome, I am not interested to be there because it WILL NOT make any difference at all. I can save transportation money too. Scold me if you want, counsel me if you bother, but whatever it is for now, I don't really care. Maybe what you say might knock some sense into my head. We shall see. . .
Maybe, I desire for fellowship so much that it turn me out to be like this. When I am still serving in Expo, I didn't really have this feeling because I can get to fellowship with my members after Service. Once in awhile, the leaders will come and asked how am I doing, etc. I didn't really talk to my ministry frenzs at Expo too, but still I love being there. The culture seems to change when I serve at JW, because after serving, I will just go home most of the times, the feeling can be hurting as if I am being make used of. The leaders are not as "caring" as before, probably because he just stepped up only. When I see how each of the Cellgroup talking to each other happily at the coffee shop and I am alone and walk home, people might think I am a visitor, no sense of belonging. Haha.. Once in awhile I will saw Si Hui too, but she get along pretty well with the kids, that's why I guess she don't have this problem. Asking me to take the first step to talk? Forget about it man, as if they are interested to talk to me, so why bother?
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