:: Husband & Wife ::

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him? " she asks.

"No, I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the morning, and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Don't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

The drunk replies, "Over here -- on the swing!"

- Connie Tucker

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

- Mike Butcher

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

- Jon Harris

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money and was a real miser.

He loved money more than anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

So he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

She said, "I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check".

- Dave Wilson

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It clearly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!"

The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, It's worth a shot.

So he went to the house of the lady who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost-brand-new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "Can I take it for a test drive?"

"Sure," answered the lady.

Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.

When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture. Just sell my Porsche and send me the money.'"

- Kris Moorman

A wife wakes up and sees her husband isn't in bed. She finds him in the kitchen crying over a cup of coffee.

"What's wrong?" the wife asks.

"Remember when you were only 16 and I was 18 and your dad caught us in the back seat of my car? He put a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or you'll go to jail for twenty years.'"

The wife says, "Of course I remember. But, why are you crying?"

"Today is the day I would have been let out of jail!"

- Jeff Pease

Jokes are taken from http://www.cartalk.com/content/timekill/lamejokes/
Enjoy reading! :-)